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SmaDnao
06-4-45 THE DNA
OF RELATIONSHIPS Dr. Gary Smalley Tyndale House Publishers, 2004, 216 pp. ISBN 0-8423-5530-8 |
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Smalley has a widely
known public ministry in the area of relationships. He is cofounder of the “Life is relationships;
the rest is just details.” “Everything
in life that truly matters can be boiled down to relationships.” (3) “Mommy won’t be coming
home tonight. She’s never coming home
again.” “More than two thousand
children every day hear what Jeremy heard.
In ten years, that can translate into negatively affecting more than 7
million relationships. This has to
stop!” (18) “Understanding our
relational DNA unlocks the miracles and mysteries of how our relationships
work.” (18) “When God questioned
them, Adam pointed the finger at Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent. Neither was willing to take
responsibility.” “And as a result we
have been struggling with shattered relationships ever since.” (20) “The relationships DNA
code is made up of three simple yet profound strands: 1.
You are made
for relationships. 2.
You are made
with the capacity to choose. 3.
You are made to
take responsibility for yourself.”
(20) 1. YOU ARE MADE FOR RELATIONSHIPS. “Even when they are hard,
difficult, or just plain frustrating, you need relationships. It’s the way you are wired. You have a longing to belong to someone….”
(21) “You are made for three kinds of relationships—with others, with
yourself, and with God.” (22) These
three are intricately interrelated. The basic relationship
truth: “It’s never just about the other
person.” (23) “Usually the pain that
another person causes you is coming out of a fear or insecurity you have
about yourself.” (24) “It is unhealthy to be
too focused on your relationship to yourself; it can lead to…narcissism. However, it is just as unhealthy to
belittle, dismiss, or ignore yourself.”
(25) “Put yourself in the
picture. When you master this
skill—seeing a picture image of both the other person and yourself in the
same frame—you suddenly have a perspective on yourself with others. You can see the consequence of your own
actions and the effect they have on the feelings of your friends and family.”
(26) “Your most important
relationship is with God, the source of all life.” “All three DNA
relationships are interrelated. When
one is out of balance, the other two suffer.
When you do something to strengthen one, the other two become stronger
too.” (32) YOU ARE MADE WITH THE
CAPACITY TO CHOOSE “You can’t always choose
your relationships—you didn’t choose your parents or your siblings or your
children—but you can choose how you
will act in those relationships.” (33) “The external problem is
rarely the real problem.” (40) [“The
issue is not the issue.” dlm paraphrase] “The destructive dance
that every couple was involved in stemmed from fear. Every husband and wife was acting out of a
core fear.” “Every person on the planet wrestles with some core fear.” (41) [I’m afraid I do too. dlm] “Most women have a core
fear related to disconnection—they fear not being heard, not being valued,
somehow losing the love of another.
Most men, on the other hand, have a core fear of helplessness or
feeling controlled—they fear failure or getting stepped on.” (42) “What is your core
fear? Do you already know what it
is? Most people don’t.” 42 The Steps in the Fear
Dance (45) I hurt. I want. I fear. I
react. You hurt. You want. You fear. You react. I hurt. “Don’t expect the other
person to be your solution.” (47) “When you feel your wants
won’t be fulfilled, you experience fear: We Can’t Live Without… So We Fear… Acceptance . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . Rejection Grace . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. Judgment [big long list in each
column… ]
(49) “It’s not merely your
core fear that disrupts and injures your relationships. It’s how you choose to react when someone
pushes your fear button.” (50) The most common ways we
react when we fear our wants will not be met. REACTION EXPLANATION Withdrawal . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . .. . You avoid others or alienate yourself… Escalation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Your emotions spiral out of control… [big long list in each
column ]
(51) “The Fear Dance…works
perfectly to get you right to where you don’t
want to be. And it does it every time,
without fail.” (56) “Once both people
identify their core fears, a solution often suggests itself.” (58) “You can choose your reaction, and your reaction is based on your
thoughts. But from all of your
thoughts will come your actions and your emotions, either negative or
positive.” (65) “Whenever you focus your
attention on what the other person is doing, you take away your own
power. You make yourself weak.” “How much better to have some say in the
matter! When you focus on yourself
rather than on the other person, you vastly increase your odds of being able
to enjoy some impact and influence over the relationship problem that bothers
you.” (67) “Personal responsibility
requires you to take a hard look at your own side of the equation.” (68) If our want to control
your reactions, you need to control your thoughts.” (68) “Our emotions are good sources of
information about how we are thinking.
We cannot control our emotions directly, but we can influence how we
are feeling by changing our thoughts.
Change our thoughts first, and the desired feelings will follow.” (69) “Take Responsibility for
Your Buttons.” “…start thinking, Okay.
When I reacted that way, I wonder where that was coming from?”
(70) “Give up or give to God
all your expectations that people, places, and things will bring you lasting
happiness and fulfillment.” (76) “The big part of tapping
into the Power of One involves forgiveness, both giving it and asking for
it. It’s not easy to do, but adults
who want their relationships to flourish must become good at it.” (81) “If you are like me, you
long for relationships in which you feel completely safe. You want to feel free to open up and reveal
who you really are and know that the other person will still love, accept,
and value you—no matter what.” “It’s
hard for people to get close to us if we’re standing on the other side of a
thick wall or a false mask.” (90) “Walls are always built
by people who feel threatened.” (91) “Respect the wall.” “First, the person needs to know that you
understand the wall is there for a reason and that you accept its presence.”
“And when you create a safe environment in your relationship, when the other
person no longer needs to protect himself or herself from you, the wall will
eventually come down.” (94) “Judgment closes people
up and shuts them down.” “Much better
things tend to happen when we suspend judgment…and replace it with a genuine
interest in the other person.” (98) “When you are trustworthy
with others, you dedicate yourself to treating them as the valuable and
vulnerable people that they are.” (103)
“Being and staying trustworthy is an ongoing responsibility and
choice. But when other people see us
as trustworthy, they feel safe with us.” (105) “When people feel safe in
our presence, they naturally open up.
And when they open up, connection naturally occurs.” (108) “Good self-care is vital
for satisfying interpersonal connections.”
“…get regularly connected to God….
As God’s love recharges you daily, you in turn can relay that love to
others.” “If you get so busy caring
for others that you forget to connect regularly to the power and wisdom of
heaven, what happens? You soon become
a dead battery, of no use to anyone.” (113) “Jesus assumes that we
want the best for ourselves; that’s how he created us. He instructs us to pursue the best
interests of others with the same energy that we pursue our own best
interests.” “When you love God with
every part of your being, he fills you up to overflowing with his amazing
love. Out of that overflow, you give
to others. This is the balanced life,
the only kind of life worth living.” (114) “Listen to your
emotions.” “Ask yourself, ‘What am I
feeling?’” “As you do this, remind
yourself that you’re after information.
Don’t judge your emotions; just see them as information. What is your body trying to tell you?” “Once I identify the feelings, I ask
myself, ‘So, what am I needing right now?
What do I need from others? What do I need from myself?’” (116) “Okay, God, is this
truth? If it is truth, I want to act
on it. But if it is not the truth, I
need to move on to something more productive.” (117) Good self-care has three
main components: receiving from others, attending to your own legitimate
needs, and giving to others. (124)
“There’s no way that you can really take care of yourself without
truly giving and serving others.” (125) Reference: Deadly Emotions, Dr. Don Colbert. Diseases can be caused by emotional
stress. “In general, stress results
from unmet expectations. Stress is the
gap between what we expect ourselves and others to do and what actually
happens.” (126) “I make these four steps
part of my prayer every morning before I get out of bed.” (127-28) 1.
Reduce all my
earthly expectations to as close to zero as I can get. 2.
Receive
everything that happens to me as filtered by God. 3.
Every upsetting
experience is an opportunity to worship. 4.
I rest in God,
listen quietly, and ask him what he’s telling me to do. “True communication
usually does not occur until each person understands the feelings that underlie the spoken words.” Look for the emotional nugget. (133) “A lot of us (especially
men) struggle with this skill.” “We want to solve a problem and complete a
task, not deal with emotions. We want
only to figure out how to ‘fix it.’” (134) “When people feel
understood emotionally, they feel cared for.” (135) “Effective communication makes room for
people to actually feel what the other is feeling.” (138) When we stop trying to
solve the problem or resolve the issue and begin to work at understanding
each other’s emotional state, relationships can move forward. (141-42)
“Effective communication
is a complex business.” (144) “Starting anywhere other
than attending to the emotions will get you derailed most of the time.” (149) “Many marriages would be
better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the
same side.” (p. 156 quoting Zig Ziglar) “You tend to relax when
winning becomes finding and implementing a solution that both people can feel
good about.” (159) No guarantees. “You can do everything I’ve outlined in
this book and still not get the
relationships that you want.” (174) “To the extent that you
define the problem or the goal in terms of the other person, you remain
paralyzed. You will have no power to
change anything.” (175) “The only person you can
change is yourself.” (176) Appendices: A.
How to Have a
Relationship with God B.
Identify Your
Core Fear C.
Relationship
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