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LEADERSHIP AND SELF-DECEPTION Getting out of the Box The Arbinger Institute Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2000, 180 pp ISBN 1-57675-174-0 |
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The Arbinger Institute is a management training and
consulting firm that helps organizations, families, and communities overcome
the implications of self-deception.
This is another of those stories made up to demonstrate a principle. In this case the point is that when we fail to treat
others well, we tend to overestimate our own virtue and justify it by finding
fault with “them.” We fail to focus
on results because we are focusing on making ourselves look good at the expense
of others. This is a destructive self-reinforcing
cycle to which the individual is blind.
The book intends to help individuals see themselves and thus stay out
of “the box” of self-deception. The principle is an important one, but the title had
conjured in my mind a number of issues that could have been profitably
addressed. An individual “in the box” can’t see that the problem is
theirs and, in that situation, no solution will work. To the extent we are self-deceived, our
leadership is undermined at every turn.
(Preface) We are “in the box” when we feel we have to put up with
people, when we see them as objects or problems rather than as people. In the box we are cut off, closed up,
blind, unable to see that we have the problem. (14) Such an individual
resists the suggestion that he has a problem. (16) Other people respond to us according to how they sense we
feel about them. (24) “We can always sense when we are being
coped with, manipulated, or outsmarted.
We can always detect the hypocrisy.
We can always feel the blame concealed beneath veneers of
niceness. And we typically resent
it.” (27) “No matter what we’re doing
on the outside, people respond primarily to how we’re feeling about them on
the inside.” (31) The goal is to develop a culture where people are simply
invited to see others as people, vs. objects or problems. (39) “If I’m not interested in knowing a
person’s name, I’m probably not really interested in the person as a person.”
(41) “People respond not primarily to what you do but to how
you’re being… toward them.” (43) When we’re in the box (of self deception), our view of
reality is distorted – we see neither ourselves nor others clearly. We are self-deceived. And that creates all kinds of trouble for
the people around us.” (48) Imagine the baby cries in the night. You feel you should get up but you
don’t. As you lie there and listen
you begin to wonder why your wife doesn’t get up. You begin to blame her and think her irresponsible. Then you begin to think about how hard you
work and how responsible you are. You
betray your own sense of how you should be toward another person. The authors call that
“self-betrayal.” When we betray what
we feel we should do for another person, we begin to blame the other person
as part of our self-rationalization and justification. [It seems to me more a betrayal of the
other person, but the authors’ terminology is “self-betrayal.”] (65) “When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way
that justifies my self-betrayal.” I
focus on the other person’s faults and inflate my own virtue. My view of reality becomes distorted. (That’s when I’m in the box.”) (71, 75) “Over time certain of these self-justifying images become characteristic
of me.” (83) “We end up carrying
these self-justifying images with us into new situations… We don’t see people straightforwardly, as
people. Rather, we see them in terms
of the self-justifying images we’ve created.
If people act in ways that challenge the claim made by a
self-justifying image, we see them as threats.” (86) Most people in the box are thinking, “I’m doing just about
as well as you could expect under the circumstances.” I feel justified in blaming others and
they resent me for blaming them unjustly.
Pretty soon I’ve pushed them in the box too! (92) It’s not so much what I do (like being stern or soft), but
the way I’ve been when I’ve done it. (96) “What I need most when I’m in the box is to feel
justified.” (98) That means I keep
blaming others, giving them reasons to stay in the box too. My box provokes problems in others. (102-3) “You can’t focus on results because in the box you’re
focused on yourself.” (105) When we are in the box we are blind to it. We can’t see how we are blaming others,
not for their mistakes, but for ours. (123)
A leader can pretty much kill his company by carrying the disease he
blames others for. “I infected them
and then blamed them for the infection.” (124-5) One gets out of the box when he sees people as people vs.
objects. (126) What doesn’t get one out of the box: (136)
You can’t get out of the box by continuing to focus on
yourself. (136) “In the box, everything we think and feel is part of the
lie of the box. The truth is, we
change in the moment we cease resisting what is outside our
box—others.” “We need to honor them
as people.” You stay out of
the box by doing for them what you feel like you should do. (141-5) Assuming that my feeling is “to do my best to help the
company and the people within it achieve results,” then I have a choice to
honor it or betray it. (151) If I’m convinced that the other person really is to blame,
then I must ask myself, “Does my blame help the other person get
better?” It never does. (153) “The leaders people choose to follow are the
leaders who are out of the box.” (154) Summary (165-66):
[Sounds a lot like the Golden Rule, doesn’t it? dlm] |
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