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PhiMarr 03-3-33 |
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MARRIED TO THE
JOB Why We Live to Work and What We Can Do About It Ilene Philipson The Free Press, 2002, 248 pp. ISBN
0-7432-1578-8 |
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“Marriage implies intense emotional commitment,
fidelity, exclusivity, security, reciprocity, personal identity, social
acceptance, and access to care and support.
(184-5) Being married to one’s job is a personal commitment, a fundamental
constituent of one’s identity. (18) Ilene Philipson, a psychotherapist, examines
our obsession with work through the experiences of her patients. We are a nation in love with work. We measure success by how much we work and
we work for self-expression and self-actualization. Work increasingly provides the core of our emotional
lives. We work for our self-worth,
for recognition, for self-esteem, for a sense of belonging, and for
involvement in something bigger than ourselves—benefits traditionally arising
from family and community. As family and community life become less
vibrant and emotionally rich, work becomes not just a place to work but a
place to live, a family, the emotional hub of life. One client admitted he increasingly lived for
the praise. Another described a deep
desire to be needed and to help others.
We rely on the workplace to satisfy our emotional needs and prop up
our identity and security in the world.
At the same time we are depleting our lives beyond work. Giving corporations power to define our
worthiness is dangerous and may result in psychic and emotional collapse when
it fails. (32) “As we give more of ourselves to work, we lose
sight of our need for connection with others that used to develop in
neighborhoods, extended families, congregations, PTAs,…. We lose sight of our need for recognition
for who we are, rather than for what we do.”
(34) We lose our capacity as
citizens. (35) Traditionally permanence, security and
acceptance came from family and community.
But we have been pulled apart from one another. (36-7)
The concept and experience of family life has changed dramatically, typified
by instability, fragility, singleness, and isolation. (40)
What it means to be a man or woman has been redefined. Continuous personal growth, self-fulfillment,
autonomy, and freedom from guilt are considered the marks of psychological
maturity and health. (46) “Obligation and responsibility have been
recast as repression and an unwillingness to be autonomous and grow.” (47) Families are more isolated from one another as
they turn to TV and internet.
Fictional TV families replace actual families. (55-6) “Having annexed their lives to their jobs, they
cannot imagine how to connect with others outside of work, how to find
identity, purpose, or a sense of belonging that is not in some way structured
by an employer.” (69) Friendships are marginalized. Emotional ascetics, we have less fun, less
attention, less understanding, less intimacy, and less care. We don’t know how to have leisure. (72) Relationships are oxygen. (81)
There is no ‘self’ outside a matrix of relations with others. To have a stable sense of self we need dependable,
sustaining others. They become part
of who we are. (83) However, for most of us, our relationships
at work are not dependable or sustaining, but contingent and thus
faulty. (85) If we’ve had deficient relationships in
childhood, we may have a tremendous hunger for acknowledgement, acceptance,
recognition, admiration, praise, love, care, and belonging. (86-88)
Overinvestment in work to obtain these things seems to be a social
trend, “the new American way of life.”
(89) Too many are suffering from an attention
deficit. We work more and have less time
and opportunity to attend to each other’s needs. (90) The single most important variable in employee
productivity and loyalty is the quality of the relationship between employees
and their direct supervisors, specifically “someone who sets clear and
consistent expectations, cares for them, values their unique qualities, and
encourages and supports their growth and development,” in other words,
internal and emotional support. (92) “Corporations increasingly offer serial
monogamy at best and one-night stands, at worst, to their employees.” (97)
“…the new economy is filled with land mines of confusion and
betrayal.” (98) “The worst quality an employee can evince is a
tendency to resist change.” “In the
new economy, valuing history, loyalty, time for reflection, thoughtfulness,
and a genuine respect for others’ opinions that are outside the
change-insurgent norm, is not only outmoded but denigrated.” Accumulated knowledge, insights into
company culture and history aren’t valued.
A senior member of the organization is not respected but considered an
anachronism, an embarrassment.
(99-100) “We are asked to be change insurgents who not
only accept continuous change in the workplace, but value ita as a way of
life. We are to eschew safety and security
and, instead, welcome endless flexibility and risk. If we experience a failure at work, we are to move on,
remembering that the marketing of the self is all we can rely on.” (111) “The ideal company envelops its employees in
shared values and purpose, provides identity within the corporate
embrace….” “…corporations cater not
only to their employees’ need for compensation but to their emotional
longings as well.” (113) People
vested in their work work harder… engaging not only their hands but their
heads and hearts. (114) The Old
Way The New Way
Security Opportunity Detachment Total Commitment Hierarchy We’re All
Equal Work And Fun Don’t
Mix Pamper Me It’s Just A Job It’s So Much
More (116) The workplace is offering a prefab life. (133) “There is little in our lives that allows us to
feel truly alive, courageous, important.
Desires for meaning, purpose, and feeling alive “are channeled into
work, where so many of us feel more alive and therefore live more of our
lives.” (143) Employees’ pain “is often rooted in the
contradiction between what employers tell their employees they are doing,
that is, working together as a team, creating a family or community where
everyone’s opinions are values, promoting a shared purpose—and what they
actually do—that is, lay off, demote, transfer, promote, and downsize based
on the needs of shareholders or venture capitalists, rather than those of
employees.” (144) About 85% of patients married to their jobs are
women. Women bring different needs,
interests, and ways of being into the workplace, particularly greater
relational needs, more concern about caring and being cared for. (148-51)
They also face greater economic dilemmas, lower pay scales and
children to support. (158) “Many women are attempting to preserve
domestic culture through bringing that culture to work with them each
morning.” (166) Some have been married to the job so long they
have no access to experiencing other ways of being. (173) They have lost connection
to friends and family and even the awareness that these things matter. (174) To understand what one feels, what motivates
us, to put words to it and examine it, requires time and space for
reflection, just what our expanded work commitments prevent. Philipson suggests beginning the process
with the following steps:
We
need to question our understanding of success and the American dream. Material possessions and long work hours
can be a life without depth, connection, or meaning and no human safety
net. An understanding of success,
happiness and fulfillment which is completely self sufficient, independent,
unencumbered and autonomous can mean being isolated, alone, and afraid, a life
without meaning and connection.
(220-24) This is a new form of
bondage. “We deny our interdependence and conflate it
with weakness. To be in need is to be
needy. To be unencumbered is to be
free. And to be free allows one to
work excessively long hours.” “As a
society, our devotion to work and our veneration of the market have brought
indifference into the very core of our social fabric. Market transactions, by definitions, are
founded in indifference, and indifference is the opposite of love,
connection, and care. It…renders us
alone and insignificant, …a society that is remarkably uncaring and
indifferent. We have freed ourselves
from the tyranny of obligatory bonds, long-term commitments, and the
authority of families and communities to supervise and constrain us.” “However, all of this freedom from seems
to have rendered many of us insecure, and unsure of what is meaningful and
right. Freedom can only exist in a
context of security.” (226-27) “We are diminished as individuals and as a society. When we no longer feel we can rely on each
other directly, I would argue that we are more likely to feel alone,
depressed, and insecure…” (229) “…we have convinced ourselves that intimacy,
friendship, neighborliness, citizenship, attention, care, and leisure don’t
matter all that much. We perpetuate
this denial at our peril.” “Perhaps
finding ways of connecting with, committing to, and caring about each other
is the highest goal to which we can aspire, both as individuals and as a
society.” (235) Appendix:
Quiz to determine Are You Married to Your Job? (236) |
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